Sorry, I haven’t posted for days. It has been eventful. Full of drama and trauma and hope and love and overwhelming support from those I know well and love and others I don’t know very well but also love. It’s hard to not love others when they climb mountains to help you. Just because they can not for anything in return. The world is full of human beings after all! I knew they were out there. oh Hello!
I’d like to pick up and continue where I left off. But I’m super exhausted right now. gonna rest for a few hours. I’ll pick this up later.
Its thannksgiving. I’m thankful for every single thing. Seriously. Gabbing cancer does that to you. I’m thankful for the sky I’m staring out the window at. I’m thankful for the kind nurse who helped me shower (hence the reason I’m so tired) for the first time in days today. But mostly I’m thankful for my family and friends and that I had a today to wake up to. It’s pretty simple really! 😘
Thats it. Just CANCER. i couldn’t hear anything else after the doctor said that. I heard him speak after he said “mass”. I even heard him speak after he said “lymphoma”. But cancer. After he said that… Well… I might as well have been dropped in the ocean. Only able to hear the sound of my own choking for air.
We all know the statistics. We all know someone who has had it. But it never makes the shock any less.
It took a few minutes for tears to start. I held them in. My 74 year old father was the only other person in the room. I saw him age 10 years in that moment. I was his baby. He had seen me through the sudden accidental death of my first husband, leaving me alone to care for a toddler. 10 days before my 19th bday. But I’ll talk about that more later. He saw me through a divorce, then another trauma… 9 years and five months married to a mentally ill and physically and mentally abusive husband.
My dad got me through all that by being the constant rock I could cling to in any storm.
But at this moment I knew what my dad was thinking…”I don’t know how to help her”. He looked frightened. His fear made me ask him and the doctor to leave the room. I needed to be alone. I didn’t want him to see or hear the animal cries that came from somewhere deep inside me. I needed to let that out when it couldn’t harm anyone.